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My life as I know it will never be the same

My life as I know it will never be the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.

Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. I found myself troubled coping with many issues in my life'. I tend to seek comfort by abusing a usage of alcohol, thus you can assume that my alcoholic addiction didn't caused by genetics or lack of self control, it was caused by myself consciously. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.


Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. My university days was a different scenario with students partying without inhibitions while the school attempts to portray its intellectual capability. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.


I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.


I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.


Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.

Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.


But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.


Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:

  • Being completely drunk at a party last year.
  • Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
  • I threw punches at my husband's face so often
  • A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I sense like I am heading home.